The things we choose

Just one more step…

Just one more step and it will all be gone…

All this… This pain… all the suffering… All the things that choke you at night… That drives you mad every waking day.

Just one more step and it will all come to end.

I kept repeating those words as I stood over the edge of a sky scraper. The last obstacle I have to overcome to gain peace. The last barrier between me and the rest that I’ve longed for so long. The last 50 floors separating me from her.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I saw the city, all of it. All of its filth, ugliness and pain. Before me lies a stellar reminder of what I’ve lost, a monument of my defeat.  Anger filled up my heart.  It was no longer the city that I’m angry at, it was the entire world; no… it was life itself.  I was angry at life, I despised it, wanted to get rid of it.

I looked down and lifted my right foot. It was already past the edge, all that I had to do is let go, shift the weight from one foot to the other.  So I moved my body forward and closed my eyes, hoping that the next thing I see is her face.

"Have you really made up your mind?"

The voice of a middle-aged man plucked me out of my trance.

"You can't stop me! I'm ready to go!"

"Oh I don't want to stop you.  I'm just here to ask you if you've made up your mind."

"Well that's good then. Because I am sick and tired of all this.  I just want to take the last step and be with her again."

I shut my eyes closed and took a deep breath.  All I've got to do now is shift my weight from one foot to the other.  Who would have thought that the easiest route to escape all your problems would be the most direct one?

"No, no, no. Wait!  Actually there is one other thing I wanted to ask you."

With that, all of the courage I mustered dissipated in annoyance at the guy who uninvitingly crashed my farewell party.

"Oh shit! What is wrong with you man?"

I turned around and stepped of the ledge to rush towards the nuisance that was keeping me from finishing it.  He was a lean man, wearing a suit.  3 buttons I think, it looked kind of dated. He was about 6 feet tall and had brown unruly hair.  He seemed a man of class and elegance.  Someone who exudes the aura of intellect and sophistication.  Not the type I usually meet around the area.  And definitely not someone I know.

"What is wrong with you? This is none of your business! Why don't you just turn around and head back to whatever dinner table you came from?"

The middle-aged man simply smiled and walked past me and on to the ledge; taking my place.

"There is nothing wrong with me Adam.  And I most definitely have no intent of stopping you.  I simply want to talk."

"Talk? Why don't you go elsewhere and find someone who isn't busy to talk with?"

"Well because that wouldn't make any sense then. Wouldn't it? You see, you are a man ready to lose everything.  You are unrestrained and ready to die.  Who else out here is better to talk to other than you?"

"I don't know. Maybe someone who isn't 2 minutes away from killing themselves.  Say someone who actually cares to have a little talk with you!"

I rushed towards the man and tried to pull him off the ledge.  I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled my arms to knock him off into the ground.  But he didn't bulge.  As a matter of fact, he didn't even move an inch.  I pulled harder, putting the weight of my whole body behind my arm.  But still nothing.  I lifted my eyes to look at the man standing between me and the afterlife only to be partially blinded by the bright moonlight passing through the edges of his silhouette.

"Many men before you have tried to sway me Adam.  Believe me, none of them succeeded."

I used my hand to shield my vision from the light as I refocused my sight in front of me.

"Who… No, what are you?"

"Ah! Now were talking.  Finally have your attention, don't I?"

He stepped down from the ledge and walked towards the middle of the roof.

"I Adam, am the one thing you needed more than anything you could think of in this world.  I am light and dark.  Life and Death.  I am good and evil.  I Adam, am Lucifer."

Lucifer? The Devil? Is this guy kidding me?

"Why so surprised? Why? You expected God to come down here and try to stop you?  Well sorry for the disappointment, but you'll have to make do with me.  And no, I'm not trying to stop you."

He pulled out a cigar from his inner pocket and stuck it to his mouth.

"You have a light or somethin'?"

I shook my head as I walked towards him wearing a smirk on my face.

"Listen, I don't know how you pulled off that trick earlier.  But I am kind of busy here, and if you don't get off, I will start getting myself busy with you."

"That of course would be a very bad idea.  I just came here to talk.  Now if you would just give me 5 minutes, then I'm sure you can get back to what you were doing earlier in  no time.  What do you say?  5 minutes tops?"

I really don't know what has gotten into this guy.  But who cares, it's just 5 minutes anyways, what difference does it make after all?  So I stood there, firmly, in front of him as he mysteriously lit the cigar and started puffing out smoke from his chest.

"Ah that's more like it.  You see Adam, I enjoy talking to people.  That's what has been keeping me busy for the last couple of millenniums."

"Really? And what sort of talk are you referring to?"

"You don't understand do you?  You think I'm some sort of lunatic who is trying to waste your time?  Just think, why would I bother going up 50 floors wearing a dated suit such as this, when I could just walk to the nearest bar and have a chat with the other 30 people currently in there?  No Adam… This is not what you think it is.  This is special."

"What do you mean with special?"

"First, know that I am telling the truth when I said that I am Lucifer.  Because it is me indeed.  Second, understand that you will not be meeting your dead wife once you jump off that ledge.  And lastly, do not claim that you are making a choice, when you so obviously do not."

I pulled my eyebrows together as I looked at him in disbelief.  How could this guy know about Florence?

"Oh I know about her Adam.  I know everything.  I just don't understand all of it.  I mean who does? But we do know.  Your wife, the kid she was carrying, and of course all of the dirty jobs you pulled off because you thought you didn't have a choice.  I know all of them.  But like I said, I don't fully understand them.  That is why I've come to you.  I wanted to shed some light on this before you dissipate into oblivion after you jump off."

"How? How do you know all that?"

"I just simply do Adam.  I know everything.  Like how many shots of Bourbon you consumed before going up here.  Or the hooker you've been seeing for the last couple of days to get your mind off this.  Or the 30 other things you've been considering as an alternative to jumping off this building.  You my friend, are torn.  You have not made up your mind.  You are scared of dying and yet feel pressured to commit to death because life scares you."

He was right.  He was amazingly right with everything.  I am torn.  I am scared.  And I've been trying to keep my head off this.  But who wouldn't?

"Well there's a lot of them really.  People who sacrificed their lives out of choice, not out of fear.  And yes, I do hear your mind."

"I am not scared! I have made up my mind, and I am ready for this!  You simply stopped me!"

"Oh I didn't stop you Adam.  You've been up here for over half an hour.  You could have rushed off the edge as soon as you go here.  But you didn't.  You were waiting for something.  And if I am not all rusted up, I would say you were waiting for God to give you a sign.  Aren't you?"

What is this guy.  How could he know me this well?  I shook my head in disbelief and tried to shake him off.

"Look.  This is all fascinating stuff.  But you are not going to make me change my mind.  No one can."

"But I am not.  Listen, I am not trying to keep you alive.  I just simply want to understand why you think you are doing this on your own free will when in fact you aren't."

"What do you mean?  This is my choice.  I am doing this on my own.  No one is coercing me to commit suicide.  This is all me."

"Really? You? Then why are you so unsure? Why are you so split in doing this? Believe me, you are not making a choice here. You are forcing yourself into one."

"I don't know what you are trying to get to.  But yes, I am scared.  But that doesn't mean I am not doing this on my own accord."

"Is that the same lie you told yourself when you fabricated those reports? Or when you pawned your house and car?  Tell me, are those the same lies you told yourself when you decided to cheat on your pregnant wife?"

"Look, I --"

"No Adam.  I am not trying to judge you.  I am no judge.  And quite honestly, there is none.  I just simply want to understand what people like you think when they say that they are making a choice.  Because honestly, that has gone through a lot of change over the past years.  So tell me.  When was the last time you have made your own choice?"

Lucifer started pacing around me as he continued with his sermon.

"Tell me Adam.  Did you choose to cheat on your wife?"

"I… I don't know. It just happened.  I spent way too many hours at work, and she was having these pregnancy mood swings.  You have no idea how awful she was during those times.  And then there was this girl at work.  But that  didn't mean I didn't love her.  Look I'm just a man."

"Just a man? You make me laugh Adam.  Just a man?  What else is out there that is more than a man? You are a man!  That is not an excuse to fail, but a reason to succeed.  Because you, more than anything in this world have received God's greatest gift!  There is no being here on earth that is greater than you.  You think the whales have it better?  Or the stray dogs?  Or perhaps you think the bears in the wild are better off than you?  You are silly if you think so.  God gave them to you so you could live in comfort.  That is why he created you last!  So you could enjoy the comforts of life without breaking a sweat.  Just imagine how you would have turned out if he created you before he created the things you eat now."

"Oh really?  So now God loves me?  What makes you say that?  Do you really think he loves me?  Do you even understand what love means?  Where was he when I flunked out of college because my parents died in a car crash?  Where was he when I had to steal just to keep my wife in the hospital?   And where was he when they pulled the plug on her?  Tell me! Where is your God?  Or are you also going to tell me that he works in his all, own-understanding mysterious way?"

"Don't you dare talk about God in such a way! You have no idea what he has given you.  You and your shallow minds.  You take things for granted simply because you are unable to understand them.  No Adam! He does not work in mysterious ways.  In fact, he works in a very direct and specific manner.  You and your kind just can't get your heads around that.  Because for you, everything needs to happen according to your own preference.  Doesn't it?  You are not satisfied with everyone getting a slice of the cake; the only thing that will satisfy you is if your slice is bigger than everyone else's.  There is no mysterious way Adam.  God has never worked that way.  In fact, he has given you everything you need and wanted even before you asked for it.  Look around you.  You have the whole world in front of you, yet you yearn for something more."

"You are not getting the point!  If he really loved and valued us, the why did he allow all those awful things to happen?  Why didn't he stop them?"

"Why didn't you?  Why do you have to ask God to take action when you are there? Capable of doing everything you are asking him to?"

"Are you crazy?  How could I have stopped the death of my parents?  Or the complications in my wife's pregnancy?  How could I have paid the unbelievably high hospital bills that were piling up on us?  How the hell am I supposed to do all that?"

"Great thinking Adam.  Really great thinking.  You allowed all of it to happen.  It was there, you knew those things were coming, but you constantly shoved them aside.  And now that all the chips are down, you suddenly look to God to clean up your mess.  Really great thinking.  I wonder what else you want to blame on him?"

"Oh don't you dare twist the facts.  I did everything I could.  I sacrificed.  I prayed every night to God.  I prayed to him to help me because I couldn't handle this anymore."

"Sacrifice? What do you know about that? If you did, then why do you still have a pair of kidneys?  Why do you still have your expensive and useless mobile phone?  If you really did sacrifice, then why did she die and not you?  And don't get me started with praying. Is that what your little Sunday group therapy session is teaching you?  Pray to God to take care of your mess?  What? You think he is fucking genie who will grant wishes to anyone?  Is that how low you think of the being who created all this?  One favor for another? No Adam.  That is not how things work."

"Then how? Tell me.  How does it work? Because I have been so desperate in looking for his help."

"You were looking? Are you blind? Look around you Adam.  It is all here, everything that you need is right in front of you.  The answers to all the petty problems you've been rumbling about are all here.  You say your parent's death kicked you down a different life?  Are you the only one who lost their parents?  There are 10 billion people, like a tenth of them lost their parents when they were kids.  Don't tell me all of them ended up a piece of trash like you.  You disgrace my God Adam.  You really do.  He created you in hopes that you would understand the value of life.  He sacrificed my place in heaven so you could receive the gift of choosing your own life.  He gave you everything so that you could live a free and meaningful life.  But what did you do?  You created all of your silly rules and morals that benefit you and you alone.  You waged wars on people who believed in God in a different way.  You condemned other's freedom and their choice of life because you took a piece of book too literally!  If you could only see God right now Adam.  You disappoint him."

Lucifer's tone of voice changed from the charming and kind tone to a more fierce and angry tone.  As if somehow I offended him.

"Tell me, why do you go to church Adam?  Or why do you pray? Or why do you occasionally give money to the homeless?"

"Because it is the right thing to do.  But how would you know? You rebelled against him.  Fought him.  You are the disgrace Lucifer, not me."

"Am I now? And how would you know that? What made you believe that I rebelled? Did you really think I would do that to my God?"

"Because you are evil!  You are the prince of lies and darkness."

"Evil? Me? Do you even know what that means?  In your context, what does it mean to be evil? Is the Man who was driving the truck that killed your parents evil?  Or is the child inside your wife's womb who caused the complication evil?  Or perhaps you think that the doctors who convinced you to let go of her are evil?  Tell me Adam, what is Good and what is Evil?  When does one man perform an act of goodness, and when does he do an act of evil?"

I stood in front of him without saying a word.  I could not find the words to continue arguing with him.  So I just listened.

"You see, there was once a thief.  He would steal from the rich and give it to the poor.  The poor cherished him as their hero, but the rich hunted him like a criminal.  Isn't it funny how your morals change depending on your needs?  I am God's greatest gift to you. I am free will.  My very existence allows you to make choices in life.  Yet you accuse me of being evil.  Tell me, what have I ever done to make you think that I am Evil?"

"It is funny how you claim to be God's greatest gift to us.  Believe me, you are not.  If ever, you are the mountain we have to overcome."

"And why would you think of that?  Imagine if I did not sacrifice my place in heaven.  Imagine what it would be like to have no free will at all.  How awful would your life be if you were left at the mercy of your baser instincts?  Tell me, what kind of hell would this world be if God hasn't given his precious son to you?"

"You talk as if I've been sitting on your shoulders all the time, urging you to do the monstrous things humanity is guilty of.  I am not the bad guy here Adam.  I am simply free will.  But that is not what I want you to realize here.  You are about to make a choice that you can't take back.  Perhaps the last you'll make in this life.  I want to know why you are forcing yourself in a decision to take away your own life.  Why Adam? Tell me."

I shrugged my head as I did my best to swallow the lump of grief forcing its way up my chest.  Tears started to gather around my eyes, and my knees started to shake as I opened my mouth.

"Because I lost everything!  I have nothing else to live for.  She was my only hope for a happy life, and God took her away from me.  What else would you have me do?"

I continued to sob as tears started to stream down my cheeks.  Life hasn’t been particularly kind to me.  All those hardships, the stress, the failures.  I was only able to  bear all of that because I knew that at the end of the day I'd still come home to her.  But what about now?  What am I supposed to do now that she is gone?

"Walk away Adam.  You shouldn't die here.  Not now, and not here.  Do your God and dead wife a favor.  Walk away from this place and learn how to live with what has happened.  There is no honor and retribution here."

Lucifer walked over to the edge of the building and looked down at all the lights flashing in the streets.

"I will tell you a secret Adam.  A secret that everyone knows but strongly denies.  God has no plan for you.  There is no master plan.  No end point.  No higher cause.  There is no life after death.  And your faith will not be rewarded."

I slowly walked up to him as I tried to understand what he was trying to reveal.

"What do you mean?"

"God's love is not conditional Adam.  It does not hinge on whether you have been a good son or not.  Whether you've been an obedient servant or otherwise.  God's love was given to you even before you asked.  It is all here.  The whole world, your life, and me.  You never had to ask, and you never had to earn any of it.  All he wants is for you to live your life the way you wanted.  He never wanted you to take orders from men sitting in their ivory towers.  He never wanted that kind of life for you.  He simply wanted you to live by the choices you make."

"What does that mean? Are you saying that the church lied to us?"

"Is it a lie if you don't know otherwise? Listen, they didn't lie to you.  They simply don't understand.  But it is really pretty straight forward.  Just ask yourself this: If God wanted you all to serve him under one banner, then why are there so many religions out there?  And why did he give you the freedom to choose any of them?  You don't have to answer that, and you don't have to believe everything I say.  After all, you are free to choose according to your own will.  Just let me say this before I leave you here.  You will not meet Florence when you die.  She is gone.  And no matter what you do, you will never have another chance of being with her."

With that, the man, or rather Lucifer mysteriously vanished.  No trace of him was left, and the only thing that lingered were the words he last said.

You will not meet Florence when you die.

I rubbed my eyes and wiped off all the tears on my cheeks.  I felt like I have found a new resolve.  My chest is so much lighter now, and for the first time since she died, I felt like I could think clearly.  I looked up, closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I uttered the most genuine prayer I have ever offered to God.

"Thank you for your love…"

"…and I'm sorry to disappoint you."

I took the last step separating myself from the ground below.  The last thing I heard before I hit the ground was God's voice.  Saying something I didn't fully understand back then.

"I love you son."