Briefe von Elise (Letters from Elise)

Dear Ludwig,

I guess I will have to tell you. It's not that I didn't want you to know,
but the sheer thought of recalling it already crushes what is left of my heart.
But I will tell you, because it is the only way I can deal with the loss and move forward.
I will tell you, because I need you to know how I truly feel.
So I will tell you, because you, more than anyone else in this world deserve to know how I feel about him.
I love him.
With all my heart.
I truly love him.
And I have never spent a single day not loving him.
I have and will always love him more than anything I could ever think of.

Please do not look at this as betrayal.
I do truly love you. But that love is different from the love I feel for him.
I love you because it is rational to love you; and I love him because reason denies it.
I love you for a million reasons; and I love him for all that he is.
I love you for all that you do and all that you are; But I  love him simply because he exists.

I love him without needing anything from him.
He has nothing to offer, and I have nothing to take.
But I still love him.
Could you not understand how great that love is?
A love that hinges on nothing at all,
A love that does not depend,
A love that does not need.
Has anyone ever shared a love like that?
If not, then I truly am the luckiest.
Because I have loved in a way that no man could ever comprehend.

He knew of my love and I knew of his,
yet not a word was uttered to confirm what we had,
for a love like this needed none.
We were content with knowing that our hearts will always belong to one another
We had no use of promises written with words
all that we needed was the unspoken promise that someday we'll be together

But this is a cruel world
It would not allow a love greater than itself to exist
It ripped us apart the same way the oceans divided the lands.
Do you not see how unfair it is?
How life gave me all that I ever wanted, all that I ever needed, but denied me the only thing that I have ever loved this way?
Why didn't it just take me too so we could be together some place else?
Why do I get to live and him not?
Why do I have to carry on without him?
I wish to die Ludwig, I do not want to live in this world anymore.
This is a jealous world, a mischievous world.
It sends us running everywhere for reasons so petty we could have simply not minded.
And yet, when we find even a little glimpse of happiness, just a little spark of genuine joy, it moves mountains and drops skies to take it away.
Why do we have to live like this? Why do we strive to survive in these circumstances? Tell me! Because I am all out of reasons to live.

Please do not think of me as selfish.
My love for you is as true and honest as the skies can be
I have done my best to repay the immeasurable love that you have given me.
But please understand that my love for him transcends life and death.

I have not written this to hurt you. I love you, and I wish to be with you for the rest of my life.
But I owe this to you. You ought to know that I love him, and that he will always be loved by me.
I needed to tell you this to be fair, I cannot wake up next to you knowing that I have kept this from you.
So please understand that I do this for no other reason than my love for you.

Please bear with my sadness Ludwig.  If you see me staring blankly into the void, it is only because that is the only way I know how to cope with my loss.
I did not just lose a lover, I lost a part of myself.
He is every inch of me as I am every inch of him.
So please understand that pain is sometimes too much to bear.

I love you Ludwig, with all that I can. I promise to love no other in your stead.
But I want to be completely honest with you.  Because I cannot allow you to love me without fully knowing me.  I would understand if this discovery would drive you away.  I will hold no grudge if you decide to leave.  But I want you to know that I have found love in you.  You cared for me like no other and you have done me no wrong in all these years. I believe I truly am lucky to have been blessed with someone like you.  So please, take your time to think this through.  Take time to decide if you can live with what I said. But I want you to consider this before you make up your mind...
I may have loved him in ways greater than I loved you.
But I still Loved you nonetheless.

Love and always,

Elise