Choice (My official entry to the 2014 Palanca Awards)

The room was dark and filled with void, yet I could still see clearly like in a hot summer morn. The air around was thin and robbed of any scent, and as I try to feel it blowing around the room, I felt reality slip away from my grasp.

"I am definitely dreaming..." I said to myself, but if I really was, then why does my consciousness have a clear grasp of its state? The scene that my eyes perceived was lucid yet felt so surreal. It was as though all of my senses worked in a more heightened state than when I'm awake, yet they deny me that distinct security of reality. All that thought mattered very little though, as this illusion is bound to sink into oblivion. Or so I thought...

I was threading the room of void and darkness as I saw the silhouette of a man facing a wall made of glass, overlooking a canopy of distant flames and glows. I have never met him before, yet any feeling of animosity seemed to shy away from me as I whispered a name drenched in infamy.

“Lucifer”

I was standing meters away from the devil himself. The embodiment of earthly sin and pleasure, the King of the Underworld, and the Deceiver of men. He stood in a mighty and proud posture holding a glass of wine.

He turned around and greeted me with a warm and welcome smile. I can clearly remember how he called up my name as though we've been acquainted for a long time already.  "Neil! I have been waiting for you..." He pointed his long, thin index finger towards a calendar on the wall, 3/15/2014 was circled red with the other dates being crossed out or torn out of the page.

I was stunned, my eyes were fixed on him as he walked towards me in slow eloquent steps. He wore not the face of the creature that have been introduced to us by our parents or the Church. His face was that of a man in his mid-20s, with a prominent nose, and thin lips that seems to always curl into a smile. His hair was dark brown and whether it was neatly done or not, I could not make out.

"What do you want from me?" It felt like the words did not come from my mouth.

"My son, It is not I who has any need from you, but rather you and your kin, from me. The world is no longer as it was in the start. What was once a simple land, is now far more complex than the stellar objects that hangs from the dark canopy around it.  Man, unlike in the past, is no longer content with LIVING, but does the exact opposite to attain it. And the concept of Good and Evil? Oh my God! You guys did a marvelous job at making such a big fuss about it. I can no longer comprehend what you mean when you utter those words!" He walked around taking a sip of the red liquid in his glass from time to time as he lectured me with his words. "Just like last time, you already forgot about what we talked about previously, didn't you?"

I am sure he got me lost there, but my mind was working the logic for me. We must have met before, we must have already talked in the past. Basing the circumstances on his words, we must have met a minimum of 3 time s already, this being the 3rd.

"What can I expect from your frail minds? What did he say again about it? Ah, yes! 'It works best when you are not in need, but worst when you truly are in need.'

Let me explain it my dear. We have met before.  In this exact venue. When it was and what took place is of very little importance. But just like your schedule with HIM, we too have our own."

"Are you saying that I agreed to pay worship to you just like what we do to God every Sunday?"

"Don't get it wrong buddy, I never said anything about worship and Sunday.

Well, you see... if you gave 1 out of 7 days to our God, I take 1 day out of 7 years.  It is not like I will use you to do my bidding or anything. This is purely talk that we're going to do."

I looked at him with confusion while I took the liberty to sit down on a soft chair that appeared out of nowhere.

"Yes, Neil, this is purely talk. Last time, you bored me to death with all the sins that you've committed and how you took pleasure in them. Oh, why that look my little boy? Yes, you did confess everything. I remember how you cried and laughed at how silly you were when growing up. But now is a different story: You are now a man, capable of independent thought and reasoning. Oh, how I love the 3rd time! This is always the one I enjoy the most when talking to you. Tell me my son. What am I to you?"

I helped myself to a glass of wine before answering him, "You are Lucifer or

Satan in other culture. The fallen angel, Prince of Lies, and Embodiment of all evil."

"I know, I know, but I didn't ask who I was, rather what am I?"

"I don't get it." He wasn't talking cryptic at all, yet it felt like a paragraph was packed in each word.

"You see, others view me as an adversary of God. An Angel who fell out of

Glory because of Pride and Envy. Others would also say that whatever evil lurks in this world is me. How about you? What am I to you?"

I raised my shoulders and tilted my head to the side to signal that I have no clue.

"Ah! Never bothered about me, didn't you? Never gave a thought? Just as expected, a monkey does, what another one did. For as long as you are good in your own belief, you need not concern yourself with him who is below. Am I right?"

He took another sip from his glass and continued: "Let me ask you my son, what is

Good and what is Evil? When you eat the meal that your Grandma prepared despite being full, are you good because you appreciated and put to good use our God's grace? Or evil for being a Glutton? When you strike a man to defend another, are you being good as a savior? Or evil due to inflicting harm on your fellow man? Lastly, when you pray to Him for a better life, are you being good in asking God for guidance? Or evil for not being content with what you have? Let me ask you again.

Do you guys really know the difference between Good and Evil?"

I certainly don't. I said to myself.

"Ah, yes! Ever so honest with no one but yourself. So typical of you my son.”

"Did you just read my mind?" Because I don't remember uttering a word.

"I am Omniscient like my brothers. Whatever word you say, may it be with your mouth, mind, or heart I will always hear. Let me tell you a little bit about me my son. Yes, you are right, I am Lucifer, The Dawn Bringer or Bearer of Light, the loveliest and strongest among His creations. Pulling up the curtains of the void to start another day was my eternal task, and I was happy with it. For in the start the void was all that enveloped everything and it was me whom he tasked to separate Light from Dark."

"Then why did you revolt?" I interrupted.

"Who ever said I did?" His eyes showed an inch of loneliness.

"That's what we read from the Bible."

"Was that what was written, or was that what you comprehended? Aside from that, I don't remember anyone keeping notes for humans."

He pulled another chair in front of me and sat down.

"You all have been given intellect yet none of you ever questioned what was written in your tiny book of selected truths: Our God does not err, he is omnipotent and omniscient. His deeds are never wrong and would never fail. Think about it, if he never made a mistake in the million things that he created, how could he have erred in me to make you err in your turn?"

Lucifer stirred in me a question I once asked myself, and although I like the direction that our conversation is taking, I still find it hard to believe a word coming from someone so closely associated with lies.

"Yes, right. Our Father first gave to me what He called his greatest Gift to you:

Free Will. But it wasn't just that, I didn't only bear it, he also gave me the power to impart it. No longer was I bound to what he wanted me to be. He created in me the first concept of Good and Evil: Choice. I have been given the gift to choose. Choose what I wanted to do or think. To Obey him or not."

"And you chose not to right?"

"Don't be so quick in judging... Despite having free will, I still chose to do whatever he asked of me. I continued my task to pull up the curtains to signal a new day and let it down to end it. I did so for ages until..."

He flinched and rested his back against the chair.

"Until he created the second concept of Good and Evil: Sacrifice.

He asked of me what he never asked from anyone else. Sacrifice. Sacrifice what I held dear for the realization of a grander plan."

“Are you telling me that he asked you to give up your place to rule the world below?”

"Not rule my Son, and not the world below. I was asked to hold the heavens up high. You see, the concept of Good can only be defined if it is opposed by another concept. An act, belief or feeling that could be sinister in nature. Without Evil, no good can be realized. Just like there won't be life without death."

He poured me another glass of wine while gesturing to drink up.

"If Man is to walk the earth with free will, they need an avenue to express it, or at least something to start it with.  Man needs to be put in a position of choice to exercise free will and use it to shape their history as their own. Without it, they would just be like me before my descent. A creature with free will, but with no opportunity to express it. I had a new task, starting and ending the day was no longer mine, for my Father asked me to guide his most beloved creation."

"You had free will at that time. Did you ask why you? Why not Michael? Or

Ramiel?"

"Despite having no free will, angels are capable of different degrees of affection and emotions. We could be happy or sad, we could love one object more than the other, we just didn't have the capacity to choose any action or thought for ourselves."

"And?" I think I kind of sounded impatient upon saying that.

"Well, I did ask him. And he said that more than the others, it was me whom he trusted most to complete the task at hand, because it was I who was most powerful. It was also I who loves Him the most. He knew I wouldn't fail, no, he knew that I wouldn't fail him."

I scratched my head as a gesture of confusion. "I don't get it. Why would He task you to lead us astray?"

"He never did. He just asked me to put you in a position of choice and to remind you at all times that you have a choice. I know it sounds comical, but that little voice you always hear saying that you can always choose otherwise? That's me. I am your constant reminder that you can choose to do or be anything different.

I am there when there is left and right. Lucifer was no longer the Bearer of Light, but rather the Bearer of Choice."

I was examining him closely and I could clearly tell that though there is no remorse or regret for what he did, there was sadness. Lucifer did not like his job, but he did it religiously for the love that he had for God.

"As always, My God was not wrong. He knew how the looms of fate will unfold for he is fate himself. Because when all is said and done, Man blames me if his choice led him astray, and gives the credit to himself, if the result was in their favor.

So the concept of Good and Evil started to change. Man shaped Goodness in his

Favor. Everything that falls outside that or contradicts their concept of good is considered evil. Evil became more and more ME, for it was I who reminded you that there is a choice in all that you do." He stood up. His finger cracked as they curled to form a fist.

"But was it not you who made the choice in the first place?!"

His eyes grew sharper and his demeanor changed. The pleasant and kind smile was gone, in its place are now fierce lips borrowed from a savage animal.

"Is it fair that you blame me for your foolish acts? When you kill a man! When you steal!

Lie! Coerce and take for granted things presented to you! Deep inside you, why do you blame me for all those?"

He took another sip from his glass before shattering it on the floor.

He walked back and forth, with fiery eyes and shaking limbs when he suddenly stopped and stared at me blankly like how young boys stare at nothing after a sumptuous lunch. Then he looked up, eyes closed and hands in his heart as though he’s about to rip it out.

“Forgive me my God, I let my weakness overcome me…”

With that he shed his anger and grief away and faced me to continue our conversation. “Please forgive my emotions, it is seldom that I lose control over them. Have another drink, will you?”

I put my glass down as I leaned closer to him.

“Why should I believe you? You have no credibility. Your name is synonymous to lies. Betting my money on you would be a very stupid decision.”

“Why? You ask why? Well why not? Is it not what you guys are good at?

Putting your faith in the hands of other people simply because they have declared themselves closer to God. Why do you think should you believe them? Because they’re clad in white robes and preach the words of my father? Does that make them any more credible than young men spreading the Lord’s light in a more unconventional manner?”

“Uhm… you do have a point there, but us being wrong does not equate to you being right.”

“I don’t have to be. I am firm with my beliefs. My heart is as sincere to myself as my words are to you. But what about you? If you truly are so close to my Father, why do you have to exert so much effort to make others believe? How desperate are you to advertise your faith in the most detestable form?”

“What do you mean ‘advertise in the most detestable form’?”

“Your web of networks! You and your kin look so stupid making it an avenue for you so-called ‘prayers’ and testimonials on how God touched your life. Of course you will be defensive and say that you just want others to know or just to verbalize the Glory of God, but does faith really need to be advertised? Does the worship of God require a testimonial? Or better yet, do you always need to be rewarded for your faith?”

And there! It hits me right in the face! He was right. When asked, most of us would say that we pay worship to God to attain eternal life and to be granted passage to his Holy land. It was at this point that I realized that we turned our faith into a job.

“What if I tell you that that there is no eternal life or Heaven, or that it is not in the form you all grew up to believe? Tell me Neil, how brittle will your faith be if I shatter the payment you expect for it?”

“I’m all ears. Enlighten me.” I shed away my resistance and listened to him eagerly.

“What do you want to know my son?”

“Is there life after death?” I answered eagerly .I thought of a friend who has been taken from us by a disease that claimed millions of lives around the globe. I thought about the hours, days, and weeks trying to battle the shadow of death hanging above his head. I thought about how he left our hearts with void as he departed from this world.

“Yes and No. Yes because there really is, and No because it is not in the form that you claim it to be. You see, some of those who passed away are already walking this plane as immortals. They just don’t walk by foot on earth but they still live among us in each waking day.”

“As ghosts?”

“Of course not! Memories you fool! It is us who gives them life after death. It is through you and your words that they get to live forever. Your memories of their act and life is what gives them shelter in this world. Just like how you gave your friend his chance at eternal life by sharing his life with every life you touch. It is you and all those who loved him that made him live life after death.”

I felt a sudden pinch in my chest. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I relived the pain of losing a dear friend.

“If that’s the case, what about Heaven? And Hell?”

“Oh, of course they’re real. Just not in the way you imagined it to be. In fact, all of you have been in heaven and hell multiple times already.”

I turned my head around the room. “Is this Hell?”

“Of course not. This is a dream not hell. This is…” He held his hand close to his heart. “This is Heaven and Hell at the same time. It is when you genuinely feel good that you get the chance to set foot on heaven. It is by being free of any guilt or regret that you are granted passage to His Holy Land. On the other hand, you drop into hell if this is full of guilt, regret and sorrow .You will be crushed by the sheer weight of your heart, and its hollowness is what will make you freeze in hell.”

He stood up and took a few steps towards the glass wall.

“What you seek is something that you had all along. You were just too busy looking for something more. I remember what he said to me about you. 'They will be inferior as compared to you. They will flinch and fall before the lightest of challenges .He also said that despite your arrogance, you know it. You are ever aware of how flawed and imperfect you are. Deep inside your hearts, you have always doubted yourselves and longed for more. And so, through you, I am reminded of how much my God loves me. For I was born to existence with the one thing you long for your whole lives. Contentment."

I was taken aback. The Devil knew more about Man than Man himself. He was right, we burn our days trying to find ways to have more and be better (in our own belief). We yearn for so much, and upon attaining it, we once again extend our hands to reach something further .It is as if there is no end to our insatiable hunger.

“I don’t understand. Why would they lie to us?” Confused would best describe how I felt upon hearing his words. My head began to drop as though Atlas passed his burden on my shoulders. I felt betrayed and ignorant at the same time. The realization was rather painful than relieving. But what really hurt the most is the fact that I’ve been taking God for granted.

“They’re not. They just don’t know…” He walked towards me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

“My son, the battle between Good and Evil is not fought under the light of day, neither does the battle take place under the tears of the night.  Such battles are neither waged with spears, pens nor tongues. I’m sorry, but you are waging your war in the wrong way. It is within your heart that you get to win over evil.  It is within your heart that you must prove yourself worthy to God’s eyes. And it is within your heart, and not in the eyes of men that you become good in every aspect that God wants you to be.”

I raised my head and saw Lucifer shed tears for me. He knew that I was leading down the wrong path. He knew how I pile up lies on top of one another to save my own face. He knew how I let my friends hang dry just because I didn’t have the guts to take accountability for my actions. Worst of all, he knew that I was living a life of sorrow and regret.

He stood up and reached out his hand.

“It is alright. Failing is not a question of IF, but rather WHEN. You can still choose to stand up and be different. You still have God’s greatest gift my Son.”

I grabbed his hand and stood up. I wiped the tears off my face and took a deep breath before raising my head to meet his gaze.

“Tell me. What is Good and what is Evil?”

He smiled and chuckled a bit. I can clearly see how glad he is that I have come to accept change.

“As I was saying all along, there are only 2 things associated with Good and Evil. Choice and Sacrifice. To accept God’s greatest gift, and to relinquish what you hold dear.”

He began staring into my eyes as though trying to take a peek into my soul.

“Good is when you choose to sacrifice and Evil is when you sacrifice your ability to choose. It is the very exercise of God’s gift in times of great difficulties that brings you closer to God.”

Upon hearing those words and realizing the difference in our faith, a sudden force dragged me out of the room. I was flying through space in great speed as I watched Lucifer follow me with his gaze. It felt like I was being plucked out of space and time. Then suddenly I stopped. I was floating in an empty space. Nothing can be seen, heard or felt. It was a total absence of anything perceptible with human senses. As I floated through empty space, a strange feeling began to swell up in my chest. It was light, and warm, and HAPPY. Something that I have felt before but can’t remember when or how. I smiled and tears began rolling down my cheeks as I began to understand what all this was for.

It was then that I learned that there is no reward for faith. It was made clear to me that there may be no afterlife waiting for me when I die. It is also then that I realized that true happiness can only be achieved if you choose to sacrifice despite knowing that there is nothing for you to gain.

I saw Lucifer emerge from the empty space while I was clutching my chest.

“And so my Son..."

"Why do you keep on referring to me as your son?" I interrupted him because

I felt that there is more to it rather than just an expression. But even before he could answer, the emptiness started to melt, and Light and Sound came rushing through my head. My body began to fall back into space and time. I was on the verge of waking up when I caught a glimpse of Lucifer trying to tell me something from afar. I couldn't hear him, but seeing the movements of his lips was enough to know what he said…

“Genesis 1:26”

And in an instant I found myself lying wide awake in my bed. The room was filled with light and the sound of my alarm going crazy.

Before getting up, I reached for what he referred to as our Little Book of

Selected Truths. I flipped the cover and scanned the first few pages with my eyes until I came across the first few words of Genesis 1:26.

Then God said, “Let US make mankind in OUR image, in OUR likeness…”